


The lies we tell ourselves

by Roguesyrene



Category: Never Have I Ever (TV)
Genre: College, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:35:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24775489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roguesyrene/pseuds/Roguesyrene
Summary: 2 hours and 29 minutes that how far it from Princeton to Yale if you drive faster if you fly which he easily afford, but apparently that wasn’t close enough for Devi. Ben angrily unpacked with stuff in the apartment his parents had rented for him. If she wanted distance than that was fine with him he was going to give her so much distance that she would be the first one to break.
Relationships: Ben Gross/Devi Vishwakumar
Comments: 20
Kudos: 74





	1. Chapter 1

2 hours and 29 minutes that how far it from Princeton to Yale if you drive faster if you fly which he easily afford, but apparently that wasn’t close enough for Devi. Ben angrily unpacked with stuff in the apartment his parents had rented for him. If she wanted distance than that was fine with him he was going to give her so much distance that she would be the first one to break. He slammed and banged his way around the apartment putting his stuff away until he finally sighed and sat down on the couch. “Fuck” he half screamed into his empty apartment. He knew that he was going to break first. Why he wondered for the millionth time did she have to be this way? He chuckled at the thought because he knew if she wasn’t that way then she wouldn’t be the woman he loved or more accurately loves. He sighed he knew that loving her wouldn’t be easy but also knew that he never really had a choice. 

“Come on Ben, who meets their soulmate in Kindergarten?” she had said at the end of their long and what he realized was a break-up conversation. 

I did he mumbled under his breath, falling in love with Devi had been easy but she never made being in love with her easy. They had really their share of challenges after that kiss in Malibu. Besides the whole Paxton thing which he is always proud of how quickly she choose him. There was the issue of Devi’s father and how badly his death had hurt her, then there was her mother. Devi’s Mom didn’t hate Ben she thought he was a nice boy with a bright future who kept Devi on her toes, but he also was not who she had pictured for her only daughter. Ben would be lying if he said it didn’t hurt him when her Mother brought up how good it would be for Devi to be on her own at Princeton and when she would talk about how happy Kalama was with her arranged marriage. Sitting here thinking about her wasn’t going to change what happened, he had to try to move on. 

His first semester flew by and his second was almost done too by he talked to Devi nowhere near as often as he would have liked but they were both busy. She texted him pictures of her marks and the glowing comments she had gotten from her Profs so it was nice to see that some things hadn’t changed. He tried dating it was okay until things got intimate then nothing felt right and he would apologize and end drinking until it didn’t hurt anymore. After he got a less than stellar mark on an assignment due to his drinking he decided it was best to maybe not to date for a while. He didn’t tell Devi any of this, of course, he knew that they both needed to move on. He wanted to though he wanted to tell her that she was it for him but he knew she was too stubborn to listen and if he wanted to have any sort of relationship friend or otherwise he had to keep his feelings in check. Being friends with her was better than not having her at all. 

Ben’s relationship with his parents wasn’t great but he was feeling lonely so when his Dad asked Ben to fly home for the weekend and take in a Clipper’s game with him Ben accepted knowing full well that chances of his Dad actually going to the game were slim. His Dad surprised him by actually showing up and being there is was really nice. Ben felt better then he had in a long time until he laid in his childhood bed and remembered all the had happened there. Ben slept on the couch all weekend. 

They had oversold his flight he couldn’t believe it. He had classes tomorrow, and no amount of money was buying him a seat on this flight. Fuck he thought as he found a quiet spot in the airport and began to email his professors that he would be unable to attend class. There goes my perfect attendance he thought. 

“Ben?” 

A familiar voice made him look up, he smiled it had been a long time since he had seen her. 

“Kalama, Hi!” he said getting up give her an awkward handshake. 

“I thought that was you what are you doing here? Devi told me that you were at Yale.” she smiled she had always liked Ben. 

“She did?” he hoped he didn’t sound too pleased to hear that she talked about him. “I mean I am I was just home for the weekend visiting and my flight got cancelled. So I’m stuck here one more night.” 

“Oh well, that’s too bad. At least you will be able to spend more time with your family?” Kamala said it as more of a question because in the years Devi and Ben had dated Ben had been at their house for dinner a lot because his parents weren’t around much. 

“No, they both actually already left they had plans today. I think I’ll just grab some dinner and sleep at the airport.” The thought of going back to that house alone was too much for him, he didn’t want to remember anymore. 

“No No no that will not do at all. Ben, I know how much you mean to Devi and you were practically family in high school so you are coming home with me.” 

I should have struggled more Ben thought as he ate an awkward Dinner with Kalama, her husband, and Dr.Vishwakumar. They made small talk about school Dr. Vishwakumar was very proud of Devi and talked a lot about her, the supper was both familiar and heartbreaking at the same time. When it was over Ben made to leave until Kalama said he was going to sleep at the airport. Dr. Vishwakumar heavily insisted that he stay. He could sleep in Devi’s room. Dr. Vishwakumar set some blanket extra pillows and blankets on Devi’s desk in case Ben needed them and bid him a good night he needed to be at the airport by 3 am to catch his flight. Ben looked around Devi’s room he had been in it thousands of time but this time it felt different like he didn’t belong. Pictures of him and Devi surrounded her mirror, the room smelled like her his eyes burned no he couldn’t stay here. 

When he thought that everyone was asleep he crept downstairs to make his escape.  
“What are you doing Benjamin?” Dr. Vishwakumar asked him from the couch as he jumped in surprise. 

“I just wanted to make sure I don’t miss my flight again I have class and I hate to miss it.” 

“It’s 1 am I think you will make it,” she replied. 

He shrugged “I just want to make sure beat the traffic you know.” 

Dr. Vishwakumar looked at him for a moment she was as terrifying as Ben remembers. 

She let out a long sigh. 

“You know that she is miserable too?”

“Who?” he asked

“Don’t be dumb with me you know who, she misses you I can’t help but think that I’m to blame, I just want what best for her and I think that might be you.” 

“Really?” he asks

“Yes, but it doesn’t mean that I have to like it.” She smiles at him and heads for the stairs. “Good-Bye Ben, hopefully, I will see you soon.”

Ben smiled as he left he had a lot of thinking to do. Once he got to the airport he grabbed a notebook from his bag and started to write if he was going to get Devi back he had better have a plan. 

8 hours later his flight touched down he turned on his phone to check his emails but in his haste to start planing he had forgotten to charge his phone so checking his email would have to wait until he got home. Ben felt lighter then he had in a year he almost had a bounce in his step he was going to get Devi back. When the elevator dinged his stop he couldn’t wait to get inside and put his plan into action until he looks down the hall and saw someone sitting in front of his door. He would know her anywhere. She seemed upset he shoulder where shaking he dropped his stuff and started to run towards her. 

“Devi?” he half yelled.

Her head popped up to show him her puffy tear-stained face. 

“Ben!” she sobbed as she scrambled up and ran into his arms.

“Hey, hey it’s okay.” he said in a soothing voice “It’s okay Devi I’m here.” rubbing circles on her back. 

Devi pulled away from him clutching the sides of his face and looking deep into his eyes and then she kissed him.


	2. Chapter 2

It was so quiet after her Mom and Kalama left. That was the first thing that she noticed her new roommate hadn’t arrived yet. Devi set up her bed but left her boxes on the small desk and went to explore the campus Princeton was everything she dreamed it would be. The sun was setting when she made it back to her room and started to unpack her more personal belonging. She hadn’t brought too much stuff with her because this was supposed to be a fresh start. No one here would know about her dad or her paralysis. No one would call her coyote girl or the un here. She reached in the box and found the photos she had brought with her. Pictures of her Mom and Dad, Kalama and her Husband, El and Fab, and her and Ben. She tacked up the picture of her family and friends, but she didn’t know what to do with the ones of her and Ben. Why did she even bring them? She was the one who wanted the fresh start right? She was the one who ended things? Why couldn’t she let go? 

“He’s a nice boy Devi, but really he’s your first boyfriend you need to be focused in college. Princeton is not an easy school you don’t need the distraction or to end up pregnant” her Mom had said. 

“Mom you know that wouldn’t happen! Ben cares about school way too much for that.” Devi said rolling her eyes she did not want to hear this again. 

“Then surely he would understand why you two should take a break when you are starting college.” 

“MOM” 

“Devi, just listen I want the best for you and Princeton is your dream, yours and your father dream I just want you to succeed.” she said, “Okay this is the last time I will say it if you promise to think about it.”

Devi rolled her eyes again but nodded. She knew it wouldn’t be the last time. 

Devi’s heart ached looking at pictures, she missed him so much and it had only been a week. Devi had put off breaking up with him as long as she possibly could. It wasn’t just her Mom that made her realize this was probably better in the long run. Ben’s parents had asked her about her plans and when she said Princeton they just assumed that she and Ben would part ways before they went away to school. Long-distance is so hard they said Ben had laughed and said it’s only 2 hours but she saw the panicked look on his face. Devi didn’t have a car so it would be Ben who would have to make the trip. Still, Devi loved Ben like really loved him and all that happily ever movie bullshit, she knew they would make it. Then Eleanor’s boyfriend who had gone away to college had cheated on her and El was devastated. Eleanor in true dramatic fashion burned all his things and deleted every picture she had of the two on them. When Devi and Fab had tried to comfort her she cried and screamed about how long-distance sucks and it never works and how she wishes she had never met him. What if that happened to her and Ben? Ben was good looking and rich and for all her bravado sometimes she wondered why Ben was with her. What if they broke up and Ben hated her? She needed Ben in her life even if he wasn’t sharing her life anymore. So she decided that she would end things it was better to have a friendship with Ben then nothing at all but Devi kept putting it off. She just wanted one more night together, one more movie date, one more kiss until it was a week before they were supposed to leave for school. 

“Devi you can’t mean that come on, we can make it work!” Ben said, “I love you.” 

“I love you too but this for the best I want us to be friends and I would hate for us to end up hating each other like when we were kids again, This will be a fresh start for both of us,” she said 

“Devi I never hated you, I think I have always loved you I just didn’t know how to express it,” Ben said holding her hands tightly. 

Devi avoided his eyes because she knew this was for the best and said something she knows she doesn’t mean “Come on Ben, who meets their soulmate in Kindergarten?” 

Devi wiped the tear from her face and shoved the pictures in a desk drawer, she was the one who asked for this so she should stop feeling sorry for herself. 

School was hard but Devi loved the challenge, she made some friends and her roommate was really nice they got along well. Devi started to get into a good routine. She missed Ben but school was a good distraction, she didn’t think about him all the time anymore. She texted him every now and then to show him how much smarter than him she was but that was about it. Good, she thought this is good she opened a drawer looking for a pen and then she saw the pictures. Fuck Devi thought she had been doing so well. She pulled them out and flipped through them, and suddenly that aching feeling was back. She wants to call him, but she doesn’t, she knows that it isn’t fair to him. So she just listens to the last voicemail she has saved instead. 

“Hey, David it’s me. I stayed after class to help for some extra credit jealous? Don’t answer that I know you are. I’ll see you when I’m done. Love you.”   
She had been so mad at him when he left that message trying to edge her out of the top spot with extra credit, but now it was all she had left. She hit play again.

His hands are too small and cold. She can feel his stubble on her lips none of it feels right but at least it’s something. When it’s over and he’s asleep she sneaks out and back to her dorm. She goes into the bathroom to get ready for bed and take a look at herself in the mirror she doesn’t like what she sees. She takes a long hot shower, it feels like she cheated on Ben she scrubs herself as the tears fall, maybe she’s not ready to date after all. 

Devi goes home during the break her Mother is happy to see her. She asks about her classes and Devi tells her all the details of her new life. 

“But no Boyfriend?” her Mom asks. Devi’s eyes cloud over as she remembers her disastrous attempt to move on. 

“No Mom, no boyfriend,” she says with a weak smile as much enthusiasm as she can muster.

As it turns out El and Fab were also home so they all got together to catch up. They spent the afternoon telling stories and reminiscing. Devi felt good it was nice to be home with people that knew her and who she really was. When Fab asked if she had talked to Ben, Devi didn’t know what to say they talked, but only through text, he seemed to be doing well enjoying his classes he had sent a few pictures of him out so it looked like he was doing great. 

“I still don’t know why you broke up with him Devi,” Eleanor said. That pulled Devi out of her trance right away. 

“What do you mean you don’t know?” she asked he eyebrows inching higher into her hairline. “You said long distance never works and it would be better to have a clean break.”

“For me yeah. I mean we hadn’t even been dating that long and you know how dramatic I can be. I’m an actress after all, but you and Ben I thought you would make it.” 

“Oh” was all Devi could muster she was very quiet the rest of the visit. When she got home that night she sat at her vanity for a long time just looking at the pictures that framed it. They were all of her and Ben. She pulled one off and looked at it. They really were happy and in love. What had she done? 

“Devi?” her mom called “Are you home?”

“Umm, Yeah Mom I’m in here,” she said

“How was your visit with the girls?” she asked. Devi was quiet “Devi?” .

“Oh sorry, Mom”, she shook her head and set down the picture. “It was great so nice to see them. They are loving college life. El has a new boyfriend and Fab has made lots of improvements to her robot.” 

“Oh, that nice to hear.”Devi stood up and kissed her Mom on the cheek. 

“I’m going to go have a shower before bed Night Mom.”When Devi left the room Nalini went to her vanity to see what she had been holding when she saw the picture she sighed. It was times like this that always missed Mohan the most he would know what to do, he understood Devi better then she did. 

After her trip home Devi thought a lot about Ben and wondered if she had made the right choice. She missed him like crazy he had to miss her too right? She was going to call him and tell him that she had made a mistake, no better yet she was going to go to Yale and tell him in person. With her mind made up Devi mindlessly scrolled through her phone before bed she would go this weekend everything was going to be fine again. Devi dropped the phone. She quickly scrambled to pick it up and looked at the picture which made her drop it in the first place, Ben, with his arm around some pretty blonde girl. No Devi thought she was too late it really was over. She wanted to cry but she knew this was all her fault this was what she asked him to do. She was the architect of her own heartbreak.

After seeing the picture Devi pushed herself harder in class, she went out more with friends she even thought of dating again if Ben had moved on then so would she. Devi was working on her latest paper and her roommate was watching TV when she heard something that made her freeze. 

“There was an active shooter situation at Yale this afternoon leaving 2 dead and 15 injured the police has taken the shooter into cus…” The rest just sounded like white noise. 

Ben’s name came out like a croak as she grabbed her phone and dialled his number. 

“The customer you are calling…” 

“No” she whispered, “No, no, no, no.” She tried again and again and again. She couldn’t reach him and grew more frantic by the minute. The images of her father’s death came fast and furious and then the image of Ben shot and being taken away from her too. The ambulance light blinding her as they took away the only men she had ever and would ever love. 

She rented a car and drove to Yale. It was the longest 2 hours and 29 minutes of her life.   
She went to all the hospitals in the area first he wasn’t at any of them. She tired his phone again still nothing, so she went to his apartment and banged on the door until her hand hurt, there was no answer. She tried to call him again still no answer. Devi slide down his door and began to cry. He had to be okay he just had to. Their story couldn’t end like this. Ben was it for her, she loved him and it was that forever kind of love she knew that now more than anything. She couldn’t lose him, not like this not before she got to tell him how sorry she was for everything. Hell, she would even tell him that he was smarter then her if he would just pick up his damn phone she would give anything to see him or hear his voice again. 

“Devi?” 

Devi’s head popped up was she losing it? Ben was running down the hall towards her. He was here, he was okay or she was losing it. 

“Ben!” she sobbed as she scrambled up and ran into his arms. His arms felt strong and solid and real. She cried harder. 

“Hey, hey it’s okay.” he said in a soothing voice “It’s okay Devi I’m here,” he said rubbing circles on her back. He was here wasn’t he?

Devi pulled away from him a little and grabbed the sides of his face looking deep into his eyes trying to make sure that this was real. It was so she kissed him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is real short sorry.

The kiss was frantic and rough as Devi tried to make sure it was real, that he was real. For Ben, he was confused but reluctant to pull away because for the first time in a long time he felt whole. Ben had always been the more rational one of the two of them so he pulled away first. He took in Devi appearance she looks vulnerable and raw her eyes were red and puffy her lips were swollen from the kiss and her shirt was wet with tears. Devi stared back at him and before he could say anything she pulled him into a bone-crushing hug and began to sob. Ben was starting to get very worried at this point as he whispered It okay over and over again in her ear while her sobs racked her body. It didn’t seem like she was going to stop crying anytime soon so Ben moved as best he could and unlocked his door then picked Devi up and carried her into his apartment. When he tried to set her down on the couch she wouldn’t let go so Ben sat and held in his lap until she stopped crying. When she pulled away she grabbed the sides of his face again and began to pepper kisses all over his face. Not that Ben wasn’t enjoying the kisses but he still had no idea what was going on. Why was Devi here? And who had caused her to cry like this? 

“Devi?” he said as he brought his hand up to cover hers. “As much as I’m enjoying this do you think you could tell me what happened? Are you okay? Did someone hurt you?”

“I saw the news and then you didn’t pick up your phone I thought the worst had happened.”Devi hiccupped and suppressed the fresh tear that threatened to come. “I went to all the hospitals and I still couldn’t find you I thought... I thought... “ The tears came and pressed her face into Ben’s shoulder hugging him tightly. 

“What? Why would I be at the hospital? I’m sorry I didn’t mean to worry you my phone died on the airplane and I forgot to charge it.” Devi pulled away from him. 

“The airplane?”

“Yeah I went home for the weekend but my flight was cancelled so I had to stay an extra night, I actually had dinner with your Mother.”

“My Mother?” that statement caused Devi to bolt upright in Ben’s lap, she shook her head to clear it. “Ben, there was a shooting at Yale today and when I couldn’t get ahold of you, I just, I just feared that I had lost you and Oh this is all my fault I’m so sorry Ben. I did this I ruined everything. Now I’m sitting in your lap crying like a crazy person and you went even in any danger. Oh God, I’m sitting in your lap.” Devi scrambled to move but Ben’s hands stopped her. 

“Don’t” he said. “David, you are right where you should be.” he brought her hands to his lips and placed a kiss on each. “With me.” He hadn’t called her David since they broke up. In her emotional state Devi’s eyes started to fill with tears again, but Ben brushed them away. 

“It’s okay Devi, I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.” Ben pulled her close and Devi’s eyes closed and she snuggled in. she breathed in deep, the smell of Ben was all around her. She listened to his steady breathing and faint beat of his heart. She remembered him moving and then they are in his bed lying down wrapped in each other arms. Finally, everything seemed okay, Devi was home. 

Ben woke up first and remembered that he had left all his luggage in the hall. Devi was still asleep so he easied out of bed and went to see if his luggage was still there or if someone had stolen it. Someone had obviously seen or heard him and Devi in the hall because when he opened his door all this luggage was stacked neatly in front of his door. He sighed and brought it in. He opened in his bag and found his charger and finally plugged in his phone. He powered it on and was assaulted with missed phone calls, texts and voicemails from Devi. He started to listen to the voicemails, and his heart clenched at the sound of Devi’s voice. Some messages were angry, some were just her sobbing and others were her pleading with him to be okay. He set his phone down and went back to his room Devi was still asleep she looked peaceful. Ben took his shirt off and climbed back into bed, Devi rolled immediately towards him he took her in his arms and kiss her head. He knew they needed to talk but they could do that in mourning, for now, he would enjoy the feeling of holding the women he loved.


	4. Chapter 4

The sun filtering in through the gap in the curtains on her face woke Devi up. Her eyelids felt heavy as she rapidly blinked them open. When she got her eyes to focus the first thing that she saw was Ben’s face. Devi took a minute to take in the sight of Ben asleep. With Ben’s parents constantly being out of town and Devi’s friends covering for her this was far from the first time that she had woken up in bed with Ben. Devi loved to watch him sleep not that she would ever admit that to anyone, but she loved to study the curves of his face while he wasn’t awake to see her. She reached out and brushed her fingers over his cheeks, Ben smiled a sleepy smile and reached up to grab her hand. 

“Ben?” Devi’s voice came out with a crack from all her crying yesterday. Ben blinked rapidly and then opened his eyes. 

“Hey,” he said his voice soft and warm like the sun on her face. “How are you feeling?” 

“Better thanks.” Ben brought her hand to her mouth and kissed it. Devi felt herself blush. 

“Listen Ben…”

“Devi..”

They both started to speak but Devi quickly cut Ben off. 

“Sorry, but I need to say this before I can’t okay?” Ben nods. 

“I should have broken up with you Ben, I have regretted it every second of the day since I did it. I was scared that I would lose you and that you would end up hating me, and I couldn’t do that I need you in my life even if it’s at arm’s length you are too important to me. When I thought you were..” Devi feels her throat tighten as she imagines Ben shot and dead again. Ben squeezes her hand. “Were dead I was frantic and crazy and just kept thinking that you died not knowing how much I love you, and I know that you have probably moved on and that’s fine I just needed to tell you.”

“David, how could I possibly move on from you?” Ben whispered Devi’s tear-filled eyes met with Ben’s. 

“But I saw on your insta you and…”

“It’s just a picture David there is no one else, I don’t think that there ever could be because I am so in love with you. I couldn’t even sleep in my bed at my parent’s house because all I could think of is you.”

Devi leans forward then and places a soft kiss on Ben’s cheek. She pulls back and gives him and watery smile and then Ben is kissing her. Not the fanatic kisses of last night but the slow passionate kisses that promise of more to come. 

They know they need to talk and figure out what happens next but whatever happens they know that they will face it together because sometimes you do meet your soulmate in kindergarten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That is the end I'm not the best writer but I got this idea and wanted to run with it I hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
